Thursday, 27 January 2011

Epic Greeting Fail

I'm a nerd. A huge nerd. And it's not just because I like Harry Potter (though I do). Or Doctor Who (though I do). And it's not just because I like nerdy things in general (which, of course, I do). It's because I CAN'T DO SOCIAL INTERACTION.
I am so fucking awkward that it's unbearable.

So I've just walked out of Dillons with a bag containing milk, bread and crisps at about 10 o clock. Mum had noticed we were out of milk and bread for the morning and sent me down the village to pick some up, and I'd decided I was hungry and wanted crisps. Fair enough. This is normally an event with absolutely MINIMAL interaction with other human beings. I can deal with it.

So when I spot someone I vaguely know walking towards me... I begin panicking. This person is a 16 year old chavy boy who lives two doors down from me. My parents are friends with his parents, his older sister went to Sandringham and for 5 years I got the bus with her every day. Do I know him enough that we have to greet each other? Or do we just do that nod thing? He was with a chavvy friend and I barely even know his name. Basically, I'm silently freaking out as we walk towards each other.

He calmly looks at me and says "Alright?". Thank god, right? I know this one. I know the response to "Alright?" is just "Alright?" straight back. It's like saying "Yes I'm alright, are you alright?" all in one. Like a modern day "How do you do?"

But no. In my fucked up mind "Alright?" actually requires "Yes, I'm good thanks. How're you?" But by this point we were just about to pass each other... So I stumble over my own feet and squeak "Yes thank you, and you?" and of course I'm 5 feet past these kids before I finish so I am just talking to myself. How cool am I?

And yet, sadly, this type of thing happens ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I'm a loser, I'm a loser, I'm a big fat losery loser.
Oh, and you know what's worse than people who say "Alright"?  People who feel that we know each other well enough to hug each other. We don't. Please, please, just don't hug me.